[Long ago, in a more sepia toned time…]
(The echoing chords of Guns N' Roses' “Welcome to the Jungle” begins to reverberate...)
(The cameras fade in to a black screen with white lettering...)
DEMENTED CREATIONS PRESENTS...
(The roaring rock of the verse kicks into full gear, and we immediately are thrown into the live arena, where fireworks and a wildly screaming crowd overwhelm the senses!)
VOICE: "WELCOME TO DCWL TOTAL DEMENTIA!"
(The crowd roars with excitement, as the cameras zoom to the broadcast table at ringside, where we find a man of average size, dressed in complete leather - black pants and red jacket, with plenty of hair exposed from his chest. Upon his bearded face are a pair of bad-ass Big Daddy Cool sunglasses, as a look of pure charisma exudes from his face!)
VOICE: "My name is Hollywood Panzerotti ... don't you ever forget that name ... it's the name of the damn heart of this company! You hear me! Hollywood Panzerotti is the axis on which this ship stays afloat, dammit!"
[And in the world of color, in arena smaller, but just as lively…]
HP: “And bitches, the more things change…”
[Zoom out to show the DCWL logo he is currently standing in the center of, in the middle of the ring.]
HP: “…The more they stay the same!”
[Big pop, which he talks over top of.]
HP: “The Dangerous Championship Wrestling League presents…”
[He takes a deep breath…]
HP: “PART-EEEEEEE! Like It’s Two Thousand Twoooooo!”
[Cue the opening song.]
[Cut to the announce position, which happens to be one side of the ramp that leads from the entrance to the ring apron. Sitting there is Rich Manning, a man in his mid-thirties, your typical straight-laced kind of dorky play-by-play man. Beside him is Christian Chazz, the immaculately attired former wrestler with the raspy voice and grumpy demeanour. Beside him is presumably a sniper.]
RM: “Just like my old colleague Hollywood Panzerotti said, the DCWL is back in business. We’re live from Spokane, Washington. Thank you for checking out the DCWL first new show in nine months. And joining me for tonight’s event is Christian Chazz. Chazz, we’re back.”
CC: “The organization that brought you Rex Creed, Oriana, Preston ‘The Machine’ Maurice, Jackson Hunter, Matt Cole, Noah ‘The Punisher’ Prejudice, The freakin’ Capitol… you can’t just ram an I-beam into its head and expect this Terminator to die, because we’re back with a shotgun.”
RM: “Well, let’s not waste any more time on strained movie metaphors, let’s go straight to the ring, where we’re going to see two young competitors who were just reaching their stride early last year. It’s Alton West versus… uh…”
CC: “Porno Anderson, Rich.”
RM: [sigh] “Porno Anderson, who somehow became the name with the most Google hits of anyone on the roster.”
CC: “Boy, people must really like finding people named Anderson online, huh?”
[Cut to the hard camera view of the ring. In the ring is the silver-haired baritone fox Buckley Luck.]
BUCKLEY: “Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is set for one fall, with a twenty minute time limit…”
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
BUCKLEY: “Your winner by pinfall, at eleven minutes, eight seconds… ALTON… WEST!”
RM: “Nice win by Alton West, although I don’t know how well this will go over on his blog.”
CC: “Well, he did promise a fourteen minute match. Maybe he overestimated Porno’s ability to kick out. I don’t know, Anderson couldn’t get out of the blocks here. He got a few good shots in, but he just couldn’t take Alton off his game.”
RM: “I was surprised too, Porno played it mostly straight.”
CC: [muttering] “Thank god…”
RM: “We’ll return you to the action in a moment, but Dan Clear is telling us he has an important announcement about the Trios exhibition match later tonight.”
[Cut backstage to Dan Clear, the smarmy pseudo-journalist with the perfect hair. He holds a totally unnecessary handheld microphone.]
DC: “Rick, Chris, thanks. I’ve just heard a rumor that The Annoyed Samoans’ opponents for tonight, the disbarred Mixed Martial Arts trio of Sam ‘Snapple’ Sneddon, Kikoshi ‘Bonecracker’ Hitomi, and ‘Pops’ Larraway, otherwise known as ‘Snap, Crackle, and Pop’ have not appeared tonight. This is a major developing story—“
[He puts his finger to his ear. If you pause the DVD right now and zoom in, you can see that there is no device in his ear canal anyway.]
DC: “—I’ll try and keep you up to date on any word we get, but unofficial sources suggest The Annoyed Samoans killed, cooked and ate the team of ‘Snap, Crackle, and Pop.’ Obviously this puts the Trios match tonight in question…”
[He tails off when one of the television lights is eclipsed.]
DC: “…Back… to you, Rick and…”
[Into the frame steps the DCWL Deputy Commissioner, Kevin “Killdozer” Alloy. Alloy, while under six feet tall, appears to be just under five feet wide from shoulder to shoulder, and looks like he’s about to burst out of his ill-fitting slate grey suit at any second. He peers over his tinted glasses.]
KA: “Dan, what are you telling the people now?”
DC: “Just… ‘Snap, Crackle, and Pop…’ just that.”
KA: “You mean that team of MMA fighters you promised to find for us which would revolutionize the Trios division?”
DC: “Deputy Commissioner, would you like to take a seat?”
KA: “No. Because ‘Snap, Crackle, and Pop’ were three hoboes you found at the train station this afternoon. We found the wooden nickels, Dan.”
DC: “Deputy Commissioner Alloy, give me a break! You blatantly send out false advertising regarding ‘Snap, Crackle and Pop,’ when you knew that--”
[Alloy loses his patience.]
KA: “CLEAR!”
DC: “Yes sir! Sorry sir!”
KA: “Dan, you now have your scoop: you’re going to introduce to the DCWL our graduated punishment scale. This is your first offence, Dan.”
[Alloy reaches into a briefcase and pulls out a white sheet of paper with a marigold carbon copy.]
KA: “First offence is a $1,000 fine taken out of your pay. If you interfere in a match, strike an official, or be a smarmy know-it-all… anything that makes you what my office would term a ‘jerkwad…’ it’s an automatic $1,000 fine. You don’t want to move up to a second offence.”
[Alloy begins writing up notes on the paper while Dan Clear squirms.]
DC: “What do you get for being a jerkwad a second time?”
KA: “In the official Deputy Commissioner handbook, the Deputy Commissioner is permitted to engage in what’s called ‘Administrative Dickery.’ Handicap matches, unfavourable bookings, ‘Loser Has to Spend a Weekend with Mary Murphy’ matches; whatever I see fit.”
DC: “And the third offence is you’re fired?”
KA: “No, nobody learns anything if they’re fired.”
DC: “So what happens after being a jerkwad three times?”
[Killdozer Alloy looks up from his paperwork, tucking the mechanical pencil he was using behind his ear.]
KA: “A third offence warrants a match with me.”
[He rips the marigold copy cleanly away from the citation and jabs it into Dan Clear’s chest.]
KA: “So, I don’t think there will be many people going for a fourth offence, which is ‘Enhanced Administrative Dickery.’ And I can virtually guarantee there will be no need to bring up the fifth tier of punishment.”
[Alloy takes the pencil from his ear and tucks it and the paperwork back into his briefcase.]
DC: “Which is?”
[Alloy just shoots a glare at Clear.]
KA: “If you’d rather pay your fine up front rather than through your paycheque, make the money order out to Kyle Hayden.”
[The Deputy Commissioner turns and walks away. Dan looks around nervously and sees the camera still on.]
DC: “For the DCWL, I’m Dan Clear, live backstage in Spokane. Rick, Chris, back to you.”
CC: “…But his blog sucks and his grammar is atrocious!”
RM: “All I’m saying is that there are not many other places to do research on Alton--”
[Chazz notices the camera is on and nudges Rich Manning, who quickly wheels around and returns to broadcaster mode.]
RM: “Up next fans, we will finally see a competitor in action that has been with the DCWL from virtually the beginning.”
CC: “That’s right, many know his face, but few have seen him in action. Ladies and gentlemen, the ‘GRRRR’ guy makes his in-ring debut in the DCWL.”
RM: “But he’s up against some stiff competition against Kid Way Cool, who comes to us from across the Atlantic Ocean. Chazz, what do we know about KWC?”
CC: “KWC doesn’t look like much on first blush, but that’s part of the danger behind him. For someone who doesn’t look like a winner, he’s sure racked up an impressive streak of wins in the U.K.”
RM: “Kid Way Cool is closely associated with another competitor tonight. Earlier tonight Blaze Crimson asked Brian Irwin about what impressed him about The Big’un From Wigan.”
[Cut to a Blaze and Brian Irwin in front of a silkscreened DCWL backdrop. Irwin is in a Manchester United t-shirt and blue jeans, his salt-and-pepper hair neatly trimmed. He speaks with a distinctive Mancunian accent]
BI: “Well, Blaze, back in… I think it ’06… I think some of the fans have seen the video where there’s this kid kicking everyone in the back of the head and just knockin’ ‘em out cold. And I was just starting up Northern Pro at the time and, er, yeah. Signed him up. He was sort of Kimbo Slice before his time.”
BC: “How did the fans react when the first saw Kid Way Cool in the ring?”
BI: “Oh, they thought he was rubbish. Like, ‘who’s this kid off the streets, eh?’ But, yeah. The first time, I set him up against this 6’ 6”, twenty stone monster… he tried that kick and he didn’t even budge the guy. But he managed to do another back brain kick. Thunk, down the bugger goes and by the next week, everyone was chanting like ‘K-W-C! K-W-C!’ It was amazing.”
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
BUCKLEY: “Your winner by pinfall, at eighteen minutes even… the ‘GRRRR’ guy!”
RM: “The DCWL Head Trainer scores a big win here in his first match, and Brian Irwin has got to be a little disappointed by his protégé’s performance here.”
CC: “You know I really don’t know what people expect with storybook endings. Sometimes people are underdogs for good reason. I mean, KWC showed us what he can do and he managed to throw that IDDQD a couple of times, even he didn’t connect with it. But if you’re going to play the underdog, expect to get treated like one every so often.”
RM: “Kid Way Cool making his way to back now… he doesn’t even seem all that concerned with the loss, Chazz.”
CC: “Now that is what worries me. I don’t know if he’s here in the DCWL for the right reasons.”
RM: “Well, we’re going to keep moving, fans, because right now, we’re going to have an exhibition match for the Trios division. Not two, but three people to a team in the Dangerous Championship Wrestling League. Three people to a team mean more diversity in skills, which should translate into an exciting mixed bag in the ring, although The Annoyed Samoans only seem to have one mindset among them.”
CC: “I’m not so sure about that. I spoke with Offramp Alebua earlier tonight, and before he threatened to eviscerate and eat me, he showed me the engineering thesis he was working on about seismology in underwater oil exploration. These Samoans are multi-dimensional.”
RM: “The Annoyed Samoans were due to face the team of ‘Snap, Crackle, and Pop’ tonight, but they have been removed from the card due being hoboes. We do however have a stand-by team. We don’t know much about them, but we can tell you for sure that their names are Sine, Cosine, and Tangent. They are Team GeoTrig.”
CC: “From what I’ve heard they’re disgruntled math teachers who think they use their intimate knowledge of triangles to dominate the division.”
RM: “It makes Da Ace Killas seem almost sane in comparison, doesn’t it? Let’s take you to the ring.”
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
BUCKLEY: “Your winner by pinfall, at eighteen minutes, one second… Offramp Alebua, Moses Pupulolo, Ozzie Emshamo… THE ANNOYED… SAMOANS!”
[The Samoans outreach efforts seem to be working, as they receive the biggest pop of the night so far.]
RM: “Big first outing from the Annoyed Samoans. Sine, Cosine and Tangent brought a wide variety of offence, but Moses, Offramp and especially that monster Ozzie just smashed their way through.”
CC: “Very intellectual smash-ery, Rich. These guys are MENSA, remember.”
RM: “Well, we’re told that the Trios division could be open as soon as the next show in Kelowna, ‘Ruckus in the Rockies,’ which is coming up July 22, and already we have one big match signed where B.A. Jive will challenging for the DCWL Dangerous Championship against the winner of the Dangerous Championship tonight. We’re about to see B.A. Jive in action against ‘UK Gold’ Brian Irwin, but first we’re going back to Hollywood Panzerotti, who has caught up with Kid Way Cool.”
[Cut backstage to what is presumably Hollywood Panzerotti’s contractually obligated pleasure dome. He slouches back in a plush purple velvet chaise lounge, which matches the décor of the room: in incredibly bad taste.
HP: “H, O, L, L, Y, W, O, O, D. Scratch that into a piece of wood, because you’re going to fade away long before I do. This is Halftime With Hollywood, and look who I found. Kid Way Cool.”
[Pan out. To Hollywood’s left, in a plain green leather recliner is Kid Way Cool, still in his t-shirt and jeans.]
HP: “So. KWC. You stunk up the joint. You got hyped to the moon as the kid with the magic feet. Ya got beat by a guy whose big move is shouting ‘¡VIVA MEXICO!’ You came here with everyone calling you a poor man’s King Karnage, and then surprised everyone by showing you *were* a poor man’s King Karnage. You—”
KWC: “Oi, are you ask me a question are you just going to sit there and try and bait me?”
HP: “Asking you a question would mean I wanted to hear something you had to say, so… what was second one?”
KWC: “No, I know. Everywhere I work there’s this guy who all the boys pick on backstage so the only way he can keep the score even is to get ‘em on camera.”
HP: “Come on man, you’ve got to know that the old man Brian Irwin is prepping for his match right thinking he mortgaged his house for nothing, just to send you over here pretending you’re the next big thing. I don’t want to shovel dirt on your grave, but hey, you keep filling the backhoe for me. One match and you’re already done.”
[Kid Way Cool chuckles.]
KWC: “The night’s still young, Mr. Pavarotti.”
[He abruptly leaves. Hollywood is a little dumbfounded.]
HP: “Panzerotti! Okay, get that piece of wood again and scratch this too. P, A, N, Z, E…”
[Mercifully, we cut back to the arena. Brian Irwin and B.A. Jive are already in the ring awaiting the bell.]
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
BUCKLEY: “Your winner by submission, at fifteen minutes, five seconds… BRIAN IRWIN… U… K… GOLD!”
RM: “Big win for Brian Irwin in his first match on North American soil in seven years!”
CC: “That was the key for Irwin. He’s got a big experience advantage over B.A. Jive, he stuck to his game, and he had an answer for almost everything Jive threw at him, although he nearly lost to that Super Freak bomb.”
RM: “B.A. Jive has got to be stinging from that. He doesn’t want to go into Kelowna lacking momentum. He’s got a Dangerous Championship to challenge for there, and speaking of the Dangerous Championship, it’s time to crown the first champion! Let’s go to the competitors.”
[Backstage, Kyle Hayden steps out of an office door, a blue velvet bag tucked under his arm. He begins WALKING~! but stops short.]
HAYDEN: [sigh] “Hello, Derrick. Look at how professional we’re being.”
[Ford smiles.]
FORD: "Amazing what happens when two reasonable, intelligent people put their minds to it. For example..."
[Ford extends his hand, and Hayden shakes it. Just after disengaging, he wipes his palm on his jacket.]
FORD: "Oh, and you can thank me later for being the only champion to resign with the old fed. It's nice to know that you, in your infinite wisdom, could find someone to lend some credibility to this place."
HAYDEN: “Derrick, you’re milking this ‘I was the Platinum Champion’ cow so hard you can be charged with cruelty to animals. Look, man. I’m going to go and introduce this title; ya know, the one you’re competing for in a couple of minutes. I think it would best for both of us if we just went about our jobs, okay?”
FORD: "Oh, sure, you say that now, but when that big dumb gorilla of yours comes around, we both...know...you..."
[Ford trails off when the looming presence of Kevin “Killdozer” Alloy appears just on the other side of him. Ford bites his lip to prevent further damage.]
HAYDEN: “Oh, Derrick. You’ve met Kevin, right?”
ALLOY: “Did you get the e-mail about the five-tiered league disciplinary measures, Ford?”
HAYDEN: “I’m sure Derrick here is busy preparing for his match tonight.”
FORD: “Look, Kyle I think you—”
HAYDEN: [interrupting dismissively] “No, Derrick, that’s great. I love that you’re thinking. C’mon, Kev.”
[Hayden and Ford go on their way. Ford can be heard mumbling to himself.]
FORD: "This isn't over."
[Backstage, in front of the DCWL backdrop is Wolf Masterson. He looks much like any late 20-something scenester: a medium length mop of wavy brown hair and a thin, trimmed neckbeard.]
WM: “Everyone listen to me. I’ve gotta respond to Derrick Ford and what he’s been sayin’ to everyone about me. Oh, Derrick, oh, Derrick. I don’t know much about you, but I get the sense that you’re hanging around on the fire exit of Kyle Hayden’s condo with a pair of night vision goggles. Maybe you need to stop worrying about a midget of a Commissioner and start worrying about… Something Better. And while you’re wrought out about winning that belt, then I can spend the rest of the time hitting on your girl and flossing my new belt while you kick the ropes. Then you can go back to complaining about Kyle Hayden, because without that, you’re just some dumb frat boy.”
[He is about to walk off, but says one last thing to the camera.]
WM: “Oh, Derrick? I think I just Messed With Texas.”
[He winks and clicks his tongue before walking out of frame.]
[Cut to the long shot of the ring. In the ring, for the first time, is Commissioner Kyle Hayden, flanked by his hulking deputy Kevin “Killdozer” Alloy. Kyle Hayden is in jeans and a champagne colored shirt, with a dark suit jacket over top. He looks very much the part of a Hollywood Liberal. In one hand is a silver and gold plated round belt on dark blue leather. In the other is a microphone.]
KH: “Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to award this belt to the winner of the next match. This belt is not an easy belt to pick up, nor is it easy to carry. A champion is going to have to defend the belt on EVERY show that I promote… or out the door they go. And if you want to win the belt, you have fifteen minutes to beat your man, because that’s the time limit. You gotta run fast, and that’s why it’s called the Dangerous Championship.”
[Hayden displays the belt above his head.]
KH: “So… let’s stop yakking and start handing out some gold!”
[A good, but polite pop. Hayden hands the microphone back to Buckley Luck. The Commissioner and his deputy vacate the ring and take a couple of reserved seats in the front row of the audience.]
BUCKLEY: “Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is set for one fall, with a fifteen minute time limit, and it is for the DCWL Dangerous Championship…”
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
BUCKLEY: “Your winner by pinfall, at nine minutes, fifty-seven seconds… and NEW DCWL Dangerous Champion… DERRICK… L… FORD!!!”
RM: “He had the tights!”
CC: “The ref didn’t see it, nothing we can do now. Hayden made it clear: from bell to bell the only authority in the DCWL is the ref-on-duty.”
RM: “Ford would’ve gotten a couple of fines I’m sure had that not been in effect, and… uh-oh.”
[Ford rolls to the floor to cut off Alloy and Hayden, who are about to present the belt. Ford grabs the belt and yanks it out of Hayden’s hand.]
RM: “Listen to these fans. Ford has got to be the least popular person in the building.”
CC: “I know he’s got issues with the DCWL’s management, but ticking off Kevin Alloy is taking your life into your hands.”
[Killdozer Alloy looks like he’s about to do some Killdozing, but Hayden calls him off as Derrick Ford raises the belt over his head on the ramp as he heads to the back. In the ring, Wolf Masterson just shakes his head in disbelief.]
[More sepia toned footage. A voice from the past echoes as a frenetic guitar solo creeps into the background.]
So this is the DCWL huh? What a freaking RAT TRAP! None of you have a prayer against me! None of you have the balls to face me! Nobody wants to fight me yet huh? Well I'll tell you what. You see this barbed wire? You see these scars? They are just memories of a battle from yesterday. But that was then and this is now! I came here to fight. I'm calling ANYONE from the back to take me on....
[The guitar solo becomes a recognizable song.]
PLUN-DAH!
(na na na na na na naaa…)
(Cameron Williams turns to Rex Creed behind him, when suddenly...)
CRASH!!!!!!!!
PLUN-DAH!
(na na na na na na naaa…)
(Creed nails Cameron with the chair! The crowd is going haywire and Creed places a demented smirk on his face. He pulls the exhausted Cameron up and stands him against the dressing room door.)
CRASH!!!!!!!
PLUN-DAH!
(na na na na na na naaa…)
CRASH!!!!!!!
PLUN-DAH!
(na na na na na na naaa…)
CRASH!!!!!!!
(Creed nails him three more times with the chair. He throws the chair to the ground as Cameron is laid out on the floor passed out. Creed begins turning to leave the room, but he stops short, and turns around with a huge evil grin on his face.)
PLUN-DAH!
(na na na na na na naaa…)
(Creed steps out of the doorway, and returns a moment later with his roll of barbedwire! The crowd is loudly booing from inside the arena, as Creed begins unrolling it and wraps it around Cameron's head tightly!)
PLUN-DAH!
(na na na na na na naaa…)
HP: "YES!! THE CROWN OF THORNS!"
(Creed pulls Cameron's motionless body up and leans him against the dressing room door yet again. He then picks up the chair...)
PLUN-DAH!
(na na na na na na naaa…)
CRASH!!!!
CRASH!!!!
(Two chairshots on the Crown of Thorns! Cameron's face is now covered in blood, as he slumps onto the floor in the crimson mask. The frenetic guitar solo slows down, cut to the end of “Thunderstruck” by AC/DC.)
RM: “Fans, it would not be a DCWL comeback without an appearance by the one and only King of Plunder, Rex Creed.”
CC: “It’s been too long since we’re seen Rex Creed, but I have to say I’m concerned for him, because his opponent is Denis Cyr. Denis Cyr picks you up and throws you around, and likes to drop people on their heads.”
RM: “A very good point, Chazz. We do know that Rex Creed has suffered a number of concussions in his career, but he has a doctor’s certificate and he’s cleared to wrestle. Let’s go back to the ring for our main event!”
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
BUCKLEY: “Your winner by pinfall, at seventeen minutes, thirty-eight seconds… the King of Plunder… REX… CREED!!!”
[Cyr rolls out of the ring, clearly winded, but glad to be clear of Creed before he causes any more damage. Creed picks up a chair and holds it over his head as the crowd screams in approval.]
RM: “Like we said, it just wouldn’t be the DCWL without an appearance by Rex Creed. He wanted to come here to pass the torch from Demented Creation to Dangerous Championship, and the crowd here in Spokane love it!”
CC: “Denis Cyr must’ve given Rex Creed some real painful moments though. Did you see those backbreakers? Yikes. It’s a good thing Rex didn’t load up the plunder. A kendo stick to the head would’ve made Cyr really mad.”
RM: “Fans, thank you for joining us in Spokane! We are Dangerous Championship—what the…”
[In the ring, Kid Way Cool slides in, wielding a chair. He smacks Rex Creed in the small of the back.]
RM: “KWC is out here!”
CC: “Uh, kid? You had your chance to make a name for yourself; I don’t know how well this is going to work.”
[Creed reels for a second, but is already set to beat down KWC. KWC backs off in a panic and throws the chair at Creed. It hits his leg and he temporarily drops to one knee. This is enough for KWC to charge in and leap up with a back brain kick!]
RM: “IDDQD!”
[Creed’s eyes roll to the back of his head and he crumples to the mat.]
RM: “Oh my goodness, Kid Way Cool just knocked out Rex Creed!”
CC: “Wait a minute… Kid Way Cool… knocked out REX FREAKING CREED?!”
[The fans boo and hiss at KWC, who stands over the fallen Creed, double pumping his fists.]
RM: “Fans, that’s it for ‘Party Like It’s 2002,’ for Christian Chazz, Hollywood Panzerotti, Dan Clear and Blaze Crimson, I’m Rich Manning. We’ll see you July 22 in Kelowna, ‘Ruckus in the Rockies!’”
e-mail: dcwlwrestling@yahoo.com
http://dangerouswrestling.blogspot.com
http://dangerouswrestling.proboards.com
(The echoing chords of Guns N' Roses' “Welcome to the Jungle” begins to reverberate...)
(The cameras fade in to a black screen with white lettering...)
DEMENTED CREATIONS PRESENTS...
(The roaring rock of the verse kicks into full gear, and we immediately are thrown into the live arena, where fireworks and a wildly screaming crowd overwhelm the senses!)
VOICE: "WELCOME TO DCWL TOTAL DEMENTIA!"
(The crowd roars with excitement, as the cameras zoom to the broadcast table at ringside, where we find a man of average size, dressed in complete leather - black pants and red jacket, with plenty of hair exposed from his chest. Upon his bearded face are a pair of bad-ass Big Daddy Cool sunglasses, as a look of pure charisma exudes from his face!)
VOICE: "My name is Hollywood Panzerotti ... don't you ever forget that name ... it's the name of the damn heart of this company! You hear me! Hollywood Panzerotti is the axis on which this ship stays afloat, dammit!"
[And in the world of color, in arena smaller, but just as lively…]
HP: “And bitches, the more things change…”
[Zoom out to show the DCWL logo he is currently standing in the center of, in the middle of the ring.]
HP: “…The more they stay the same!”
[Big pop, which he talks over top of.]
HP: “The Dangerous Championship Wrestling League presents…”
[He takes a deep breath…]
HP: “PART-EEEEEEE! Like It’s Two Thousand Twoooooo!”
[Cue the opening song.]
[Cut to the announce position, which happens to be one side of the ramp that leads from the entrance to the ring apron. Sitting there is Rich Manning, a man in his mid-thirties, your typical straight-laced kind of dorky play-by-play man. Beside him is Christian Chazz, the immaculately attired former wrestler with the raspy voice and grumpy demeanour. Beside him is presumably a sniper.]
RM: “Just like my old colleague Hollywood Panzerotti said, the DCWL is back in business. We’re live from Spokane, Washington. Thank you for checking out the DCWL first new show in nine months. And joining me for tonight’s event is Christian Chazz. Chazz, we’re back.”
CC: “The organization that brought you Rex Creed, Oriana, Preston ‘The Machine’ Maurice, Jackson Hunter, Matt Cole, Noah ‘The Punisher’ Prejudice, The freakin’ Capitol… you can’t just ram an I-beam into its head and expect this Terminator to die, because we’re back with a shotgun.”
RM: “Well, let’s not waste any more time on strained movie metaphors, let’s go straight to the ring, where we’re going to see two young competitors who were just reaching their stride early last year. It’s Alton West versus… uh…”
CC: “Porno Anderson, Rich.”
RM: [sigh] “Porno Anderson, who somehow became the name with the most Google hits of anyone on the roster.”
CC: “Boy, people must really like finding people named Anderson online, huh?”
[Cut to the hard camera view of the ring. In the ring is the silver-haired baritone fox Buckley Luck.]
BUCKLEY: “Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is set for one fall, with a twenty minute time limit…”
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
BUCKLEY: “Your winner by pinfall, at eleven minutes, eight seconds… ALTON… WEST!”
RM: “Nice win by Alton West, although I don’t know how well this will go over on his blog.”
CC: “Well, he did promise a fourteen minute match. Maybe he overestimated Porno’s ability to kick out. I don’t know, Anderson couldn’t get out of the blocks here. He got a few good shots in, but he just couldn’t take Alton off his game.”
RM: “I was surprised too, Porno played it mostly straight.”
CC: [muttering] “Thank god…”
RM: “We’ll return you to the action in a moment, but Dan Clear is telling us he has an important announcement about the Trios exhibition match later tonight.”
[Cut backstage to Dan Clear, the smarmy pseudo-journalist with the perfect hair. He holds a totally unnecessary handheld microphone.]
DC: “Rick, Chris, thanks. I’ve just heard a rumor that The Annoyed Samoans’ opponents for tonight, the disbarred Mixed Martial Arts trio of Sam ‘Snapple’ Sneddon, Kikoshi ‘Bonecracker’ Hitomi, and ‘Pops’ Larraway, otherwise known as ‘Snap, Crackle, and Pop’ have not appeared tonight. This is a major developing story—“
[He puts his finger to his ear. If you pause the DVD right now and zoom in, you can see that there is no device in his ear canal anyway.]
DC: “—I’ll try and keep you up to date on any word we get, but unofficial sources suggest The Annoyed Samoans killed, cooked and ate the team of ‘Snap, Crackle, and Pop.’ Obviously this puts the Trios match tonight in question…”
[He tails off when one of the television lights is eclipsed.]
DC: “…Back… to you, Rick and…”
[Into the frame steps the DCWL Deputy Commissioner, Kevin “Killdozer” Alloy. Alloy, while under six feet tall, appears to be just under five feet wide from shoulder to shoulder, and looks like he’s about to burst out of his ill-fitting slate grey suit at any second. He peers over his tinted glasses.]
KA: “Dan, what are you telling the people now?”
DC: “Just… ‘Snap, Crackle, and Pop…’ just that.”
KA: “You mean that team of MMA fighters you promised to find for us which would revolutionize the Trios division?”
DC: “Deputy Commissioner, would you like to take a seat?”
KA: “No. Because ‘Snap, Crackle, and Pop’ were three hoboes you found at the train station this afternoon. We found the wooden nickels, Dan.”
DC: “Deputy Commissioner Alloy, give me a break! You blatantly send out false advertising regarding ‘Snap, Crackle and Pop,’ when you knew that--”
[Alloy loses his patience.]
KA: “CLEAR!”
DC: “Yes sir! Sorry sir!”
KA: “Dan, you now have your scoop: you’re going to introduce to the DCWL our graduated punishment scale. This is your first offence, Dan.”
[Alloy reaches into a briefcase and pulls out a white sheet of paper with a marigold carbon copy.]
KA: “First offence is a $1,000 fine taken out of your pay. If you interfere in a match, strike an official, or be a smarmy know-it-all… anything that makes you what my office would term a ‘jerkwad…’ it’s an automatic $1,000 fine. You don’t want to move up to a second offence.”
[Alloy begins writing up notes on the paper while Dan Clear squirms.]
DC: “What do you get for being a jerkwad a second time?”
KA: “In the official Deputy Commissioner handbook, the Deputy Commissioner is permitted to engage in what’s called ‘Administrative Dickery.’ Handicap matches, unfavourable bookings, ‘Loser Has to Spend a Weekend with Mary Murphy’ matches; whatever I see fit.”
DC: “And the third offence is you’re fired?”
KA: “No, nobody learns anything if they’re fired.”
DC: “So what happens after being a jerkwad three times?”
[Killdozer Alloy looks up from his paperwork, tucking the mechanical pencil he was using behind his ear.]
KA: “A third offence warrants a match with me.”
[He rips the marigold copy cleanly away from the citation and jabs it into Dan Clear’s chest.]
KA: “So, I don’t think there will be many people going for a fourth offence, which is ‘Enhanced Administrative Dickery.’ And I can virtually guarantee there will be no need to bring up the fifth tier of punishment.”
[Alloy takes the pencil from his ear and tucks it and the paperwork back into his briefcase.]
DC: “Which is?”
[Alloy just shoots a glare at Clear.]
KA: “If you’d rather pay your fine up front rather than through your paycheque, make the money order out to Kyle Hayden.”
[The Deputy Commissioner turns and walks away. Dan looks around nervously and sees the camera still on.]
DC: “For the DCWL, I’m Dan Clear, live backstage in Spokane. Rick, Chris, back to you.”
CC: “…But his blog sucks and his grammar is atrocious!”
RM: “All I’m saying is that there are not many other places to do research on Alton--”
[Chazz notices the camera is on and nudges Rich Manning, who quickly wheels around and returns to broadcaster mode.]
RM: “Up next fans, we will finally see a competitor in action that has been with the DCWL from virtually the beginning.”
CC: “That’s right, many know his face, but few have seen him in action. Ladies and gentlemen, the ‘GRRRR’ guy makes his in-ring debut in the DCWL.”
RM: “But he’s up against some stiff competition against Kid Way Cool, who comes to us from across the Atlantic Ocean. Chazz, what do we know about KWC?”
CC: “KWC doesn’t look like much on first blush, but that’s part of the danger behind him. For someone who doesn’t look like a winner, he’s sure racked up an impressive streak of wins in the U.K.”
RM: “Kid Way Cool is closely associated with another competitor tonight. Earlier tonight Blaze Crimson asked Brian Irwin about what impressed him about The Big’un From Wigan.”
[Cut to a Blaze and Brian Irwin in front of a silkscreened DCWL backdrop. Irwin is in a Manchester United t-shirt and blue jeans, his salt-and-pepper hair neatly trimmed. He speaks with a distinctive Mancunian accent]
BI: “Well, Blaze, back in… I think it ’06… I think some of the fans have seen the video where there’s this kid kicking everyone in the back of the head and just knockin’ ‘em out cold. And I was just starting up Northern Pro at the time and, er, yeah. Signed him up. He was sort of Kimbo Slice before his time.”
BC: “How did the fans react when the first saw Kid Way Cool in the ring?”
BI: “Oh, they thought he was rubbish. Like, ‘who’s this kid off the streets, eh?’ But, yeah. The first time, I set him up against this 6’ 6”, twenty stone monster… he tried that kick and he didn’t even budge the guy. But he managed to do another back brain kick. Thunk, down the bugger goes and by the next week, everyone was chanting like ‘K-W-C! K-W-C!’ It was amazing.”
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
BUCKLEY: “Your winner by pinfall, at eighteen minutes even… the ‘GRRRR’ guy!”
RM: “The DCWL Head Trainer scores a big win here in his first match, and Brian Irwin has got to be a little disappointed by his protégé’s performance here.”
CC: “You know I really don’t know what people expect with storybook endings. Sometimes people are underdogs for good reason. I mean, KWC showed us what he can do and he managed to throw that IDDQD a couple of times, even he didn’t connect with it. But if you’re going to play the underdog, expect to get treated like one every so often.”
RM: “Kid Way Cool making his way to back now… he doesn’t even seem all that concerned with the loss, Chazz.”
CC: “Now that is what worries me. I don’t know if he’s here in the DCWL for the right reasons.”
RM: “Well, we’re going to keep moving, fans, because right now, we’re going to have an exhibition match for the Trios division. Not two, but three people to a team in the Dangerous Championship Wrestling League. Three people to a team mean more diversity in skills, which should translate into an exciting mixed bag in the ring, although The Annoyed Samoans only seem to have one mindset among them.”
CC: “I’m not so sure about that. I spoke with Offramp Alebua earlier tonight, and before he threatened to eviscerate and eat me, he showed me the engineering thesis he was working on about seismology in underwater oil exploration. These Samoans are multi-dimensional.”
RM: “The Annoyed Samoans were due to face the team of ‘Snap, Crackle, and Pop’ tonight, but they have been removed from the card due being hoboes. We do however have a stand-by team. We don’t know much about them, but we can tell you for sure that their names are Sine, Cosine, and Tangent. They are Team GeoTrig.”
CC: “From what I’ve heard they’re disgruntled math teachers who think they use their intimate knowledge of triangles to dominate the division.”
RM: “It makes Da Ace Killas seem almost sane in comparison, doesn’t it? Let’s take you to the ring.”
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
BUCKLEY: “Your winner by pinfall, at eighteen minutes, one second… Offramp Alebua, Moses Pupulolo, Ozzie Emshamo… THE ANNOYED… SAMOANS!”
[The Samoans outreach efforts seem to be working, as they receive the biggest pop of the night so far.]
RM: “Big first outing from the Annoyed Samoans. Sine, Cosine and Tangent brought a wide variety of offence, but Moses, Offramp and especially that monster Ozzie just smashed their way through.”
CC: “Very intellectual smash-ery, Rich. These guys are MENSA, remember.”
RM: “Well, we’re told that the Trios division could be open as soon as the next show in Kelowna, ‘Ruckus in the Rockies,’ which is coming up July 22, and already we have one big match signed where B.A. Jive will challenging for the DCWL Dangerous Championship against the winner of the Dangerous Championship tonight. We’re about to see B.A. Jive in action against ‘UK Gold’ Brian Irwin, but first we’re going back to Hollywood Panzerotti, who has caught up with Kid Way Cool.”
[Cut backstage to what is presumably Hollywood Panzerotti’s contractually obligated pleasure dome. He slouches back in a plush purple velvet chaise lounge, which matches the décor of the room: in incredibly bad taste.
HP: “H, O, L, L, Y, W, O, O, D. Scratch that into a piece of wood, because you’re going to fade away long before I do. This is Halftime With Hollywood, and look who I found. Kid Way Cool.”
[Pan out. To Hollywood’s left, in a plain green leather recliner is Kid Way Cool, still in his t-shirt and jeans.]
HP: “So. KWC. You stunk up the joint. You got hyped to the moon as the kid with the magic feet. Ya got beat by a guy whose big move is shouting ‘¡VIVA MEXICO!’ You came here with everyone calling you a poor man’s King Karnage, and then surprised everyone by showing you *were* a poor man’s King Karnage. You—”
KWC: “Oi, are you ask me a question are you just going to sit there and try and bait me?”
HP: “Asking you a question would mean I wanted to hear something you had to say, so… what was second one?”
KWC: “No, I know. Everywhere I work there’s this guy who all the boys pick on backstage so the only way he can keep the score even is to get ‘em on camera.”
HP: “Come on man, you’ve got to know that the old man Brian Irwin is prepping for his match right thinking he mortgaged his house for nothing, just to send you over here pretending you’re the next big thing. I don’t want to shovel dirt on your grave, but hey, you keep filling the backhoe for me. One match and you’re already done.”
[Kid Way Cool chuckles.]
KWC: “The night’s still young, Mr. Pavarotti.”
[He abruptly leaves. Hollywood is a little dumbfounded.]
HP: “Panzerotti! Okay, get that piece of wood again and scratch this too. P, A, N, Z, E…”
[Mercifully, we cut back to the arena. Brian Irwin and B.A. Jive are already in the ring awaiting the bell.]
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
BUCKLEY: “Your winner by submission, at fifteen minutes, five seconds… BRIAN IRWIN… U… K… GOLD!”
RM: “Big win for Brian Irwin in his first match on North American soil in seven years!”
CC: “That was the key for Irwin. He’s got a big experience advantage over B.A. Jive, he stuck to his game, and he had an answer for almost everything Jive threw at him, although he nearly lost to that Super Freak bomb.”
RM: “B.A. Jive has got to be stinging from that. He doesn’t want to go into Kelowna lacking momentum. He’s got a Dangerous Championship to challenge for there, and speaking of the Dangerous Championship, it’s time to crown the first champion! Let’s go to the competitors.”
[Backstage, Kyle Hayden steps out of an office door, a blue velvet bag tucked under his arm. He begins WALKING~! but stops short.]
HAYDEN: [sigh] “Hello, Derrick. Look at how professional we’re being.”
[Ford smiles.]
FORD: "Amazing what happens when two reasonable, intelligent people put their minds to it. For example..."
[Ford extends his hand, and Hayden shakes it. Just after disengaging, he wipes his palm on his jacket.]
FORD: "Oh, and you can thank me later for being the only champion to resign with the old fed. It's nice to know that you, in your infinite wisdom, could find someone to lend some credibility to this place."
HAYDEN: “Derrick, you’re milking this ‘I was the Platinum Champion’ cow so hard you can be charged with cruelty to animals. Look, man. I’m going to go and introduce this title; ya know, the one you’re competing for in a couple of minutes. I think it would best for both of us if we just went about our jobs, okay?”
FORD: "Oh, sure, you say that now, but when that big dumb gorilla of yours comes around, we both...know...you..."
[Ford trails off when the looming presence of Kevin “Killdozer” Alloy appears just on the other side of him. Ford bites his lip to prevent further damage.]
HAYDEN: “Oh, Derrick. You’ve met Kevin, right?”
ALLOY: “Did you get the e-mail about the five-tiered league disciplinary measures, Ford?”
HAYDEN: “I’m sure Derrick here is busy preparing for his match tonight.”
FORD: “Look, Kyle I think you—”
HAYDEN: [interrupting dismissively] “No, Derrick, that’s great. I love that you’re thinking. C’mon, Kev.”
[Hayden and Ford go on their way. Ford can be heard mumbling to himself.]
FORD: "This isn't over."
[Backstage, in front of the DCWL backdrop is Wolf Masterson. He looks much like any late 20-something scenester: a medium length mop of wavy brown hair and a thin, trimmed neckbeard.]
WM: “Everyone listen to me. I’ve gotta respond to Derrick Ford and what he’s been sayin’ to everyone about me. Oh, Derrick, oh, Derrick. I don’t know much about you, but I get the sense that you’re hanging around on the fire exit of Kyle Hayden’s condo with a pair of night vision goggles. Maybe you need to stop worrying about a midget of a Commissioner and start worrying about… Something Better. And while you’re wrought out about winning that belt, then I can spend the rest of the time hitting on your girl and flossing my new belt while you kick the ropes. Then you can go back to complaining about Kyle Hayden, because without that, you’re just some dumb frat boy.”
[He is about to walk off, but says one last thing to the camera.]
WM: “Oh, Derrick? I think I just Messed With Texas.”
[He winks and clicks his tongue before walking out of frame.]
[Cut to the long shot of the ring. In the ring, for the first time, is Commissioner Kyle Hayden, flanked by his hulking deputy Kevin “Killdozer” Alloy. Kyle Hayden is in jeans and a champagne colored shirt, with a dark suit jacket over top. He looks very much the part of a Hollywood Liberal. In one hand is a silver and gold plated round belt on dark blue leather. In the other is a microphone.]
KH: “Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to award this belt to the winner of the next match. This belt is not an easy belt to pick up, nor is it easy to carry. A champion is going to have to defend the belt on EVERY show that I promote… or out the door they go. And if you want to win the belt, you have fifteen minutes to beat your man, because that’s the time limit. You gotta run fast, and that’s why it’s called the Dangerous Championship.”
[Hayden displays the belt above his head.]
KH: “So… let’s stop yakking and start handing out some gold!”
[A good, but polite pop. Hayden hands the microphone back to Buckley Luck. The Commissioner and his deputy vacate the ring and take a couple of reserved seats in the front row of the audience.]
BUCKLEY: “Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is set for one fall, with a fifteen minute time limit, and it is for the DCWL Dangerous Championship…”
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
BUCKLEY: “Your winner by pinfall, at nine minutes, fifty-seven seconds… and NEW DCWL Dangerous Champion… DERRICK… L… FORD!!!”
RM: “He had the tights!”
CC: “The ref didn’t see it, nothing we can do now. Hayden made it clear: from bell to bell the only authority in the DCWL is the ref-on-duty.”
RM: “Ford would’ve gotten a couple of fines I’m sure had that not been in effect, and… uh-oh.”
[Ford rolls to the floor to cut off Alloy and Hayden, who are about to present the belt. Ford grabs the belt and yanks it out of Hayden’s hand.]
RM: “Listen to these fans. Ford has got to be the least popular person in the building.”
CC: “I know he’s got issues with the DCWL’s management, but ticking off Kevin Alloy is taking your life into your hands.”
[Killdozer Alloy looks like he’s about to do some Killdozing, but Hayden calls him off as Derrick Ford raises the belt over his head on the ramp as he heads to the back. In the ring, Wolf Masterson just shakes his head in disbelief.]
[More sepia toned footage. A voice from the past echoes as a frenetic guitar solo creeps into the background.]
So this is the DCWL huh? What a freaking RAT TRAP! None of you have a prayer against me! None of you have the balls to face me! Nobody wants to fight me yet huh? Well I'll tell you what. You see this barbed wire? You see these scars? They are just memories of a battle from yesterday. But that was then and this is now! I came here to fight. I'm calling ANYONE from the back to take me on....
[The guitar solo becomes a recognizable song.]
PLUN-DAH!
(na na na na na na naaa…)
(Cameron Williams turns to Rex Creed behind him, when suddenly...)
CRASH!!!!!!!!
PLUN-DAH!
(na na na na na na naaa…)
(Creed nails Cameron with the chair! The crowd is going haywire and Creed places a demented smirk on his face. He pulls the exhausted Cameron up and stands him against the dressing room door.)
CRASH!!!!!!!
PLUN-DAH!
(na na na na na na naaa…)
CRASH!!!!!!!
PLUN-DAH!
(na na na na na na naaa…)
CRASH!!!!!!!
(Creed nails him three more times with the chair. He throws the chair to the ground as Cameron is laid out on the floor passed out. Creed begins turning to leave the room, but he stops short, and turns around with a huge evil grin on his face.)
PLUN-DAH!
(na na na na na na naaa…)
(Creed steps out of the doorway, and returns a moment later with his roll of barbedwire! The crowd is loudly booing from inside the arena, as Creed begins unrolling it and wraps it around Cameron's head tightly!)
PLUN-DAH!
(na na na na na na naaa…)
HP: "YES!! THE CROWN OF THORNS!"
(Creed pulls Cameron's motionless body up and leans him against the dressing room door yet again. He then picks up the chair...)
PLUN-DAH!
(na na na na na na naaa…)
CRASH!!!!
CRASH!!!!
(Two chairshots on the Crown of Thorns! Cameron's face is now covered in blood, as he slumps onto the floor in the crimson mask. The frenetic guitar solo slows down, cut to the end of “Thunderstruck” by AC/DC.)
RM: “Fans, it would not be a DCWL comeback without an appearance by the one and only King of Plunder, Rex Creed.”
CC: “It’s been too long since we’re seen Rex Creed, but I have to say I’m concerned for him, because his opponent is Denis Cyr. Denis Cyr picks you up and throws you around, and likes to drop people on their heads.”
RM: “A very good point, Chazz. We do know that Rex Creed has suffered a number of concussions in his career, but he has a doctor’s certificate and he’s cleared to wrestle. Let’s go back to the ring for our main event!”
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
*SPOILERS AHOY!*
BUCKLEY: “Your winner by pinfall, at seventeen minutes, thirty-eight seconds… the King of Plunder… REX… CREED!!!”
[Cyr rolls out of the ring, clearly winded, but glad to be clear of Creed before he causes any more damage. Creed picks up a chair and holds it over his head as the crowd screams in approval.]
RM: “Like we said, it just wouldn’t be the DCWL without an appearance by Rex Creed. He wanted to come here to pass the torch from Demented Creation to Dangerous Championship, and the crowd here in Spokane love it!”
CC: “Denis Cyr must’ve given Rex Creed some real painful moments though. Did you see those backbreakers? Yikes. It’s a good thing Rex didn’t load up the plunder. A kendo stick to the head would’ve made Cyr really mad.”
RM: “Fans, thank you for joining us in Spokane! We are Dangerous Championship—what the…”
[In the ring, Kid Way Cool slides in, wielding a chair. He smacks Rex Creed in the small of the back.]
RM: “KWC is out here!”
CC: “Uh, kid? You had your chance to make a name for yourself; I don’t know how well this is going to work.”
[Creed reels for a second, but is already set to beat down KWC. KWC backs off in a panic and throws the chair at Creed. It hits his leg and he temporarily drops to one knee. This is enough for KWC to charge in and leap up with a back brain kick!]
RM: “IDDQD!”
[Creed’s eyes roll to the back of his head and he crumples to the mat.]
RM: “Oh my goodness, Kid Way Cool just knocked out Rex Creed!”
CC: “Wait a minute… Kid Way Cool… knocked out REX FREAKING CREED?!”
[The fans boo and hiss at KWC, who stands over the fallen Creed, double pumping his fists.]
RM: “Fans, that’s it for ‘Party Like It’s 2002,’ for Christian Chazz, Hollywood Panzerotti, Dan Clear and Blaze Crimson, I’m Rich Manning. We’ll see you July 22 in Kelowna, ‘Ruckus in the Rockies!’”
e-mail: dcwlwrestling@yahoo.com
http://dangerouswrestling.blogspot.com
http://dangerouswrestling.proboards.com
No comments:
Post a Comment